05 May 2010
I Am Not That Strong
These last few days have been very rough for me, my sweet baby girl Adelaide Ladybird has been very sick. Today is her second day at the vet's office getting fluids and there is the possibility she may be force fed if she is still refusing to eat. She has not eaten a meal since Saturday morning and that did not last very long in her tummy. Since she has been so sick she has not been able to keep her medication down and her seizures have become rampant. She had three violent ones last night that just swallowed my heart whole. It is so hard to see her like this, dehydrated, tired, scared and the look of emaciation is becoming apparent. I have gone through every range of emotions and today I am worn out, physically, mentally and my heart cannot take anymore of this. This is not the first time she had been gravely ill, she has had surgery for bladder stones and just last year her liver began to fail her because of her long time usage of seizure medication. My wonderful vet has run x-rays, tested her blood and so far the results are normal, which is where this starts to get scary. If she had more bladder stones or if her blood work returned from the lab with problems all of this would be easy to diagnose but so far no such luck.
If she doesn't show signs of improvement soon then that scary word my vet threw out yesterday that drop kicked me to the floor (tumor) might really be true. I can't fathom this, I am just not that strong. Thinking of my life without her makes my stomach hurt and makes my limbs heavy. When I look at her I feel so much love. The most pure love that I can imagine. She has been by my side for about six years now and I can't give her up, I am not ready. I know it sounds so selfish, that is fine, I am selfish I will continue to be selfish because she is my baby and she cannot leave me until I say when. I am sharing all of this because I want everyone who reads this to think about her. I want all of you to put every bit of positive thinking and energy out into the universe and help her to get better. I am more than willing to accept a miracle right now.
I cannot even begin to tell you how happy she has made me through the years. When she licks my face or when she chases her tail I am filled with so much joy. I have songs I sing to her, I have given her about a million nicknames, Brattalaide, Battle Axe, Baby face killah, Adders, Cow Dog, Babycakes, Dog Butt...so many different names. When I adopted her from the pound she was sick, so sick she was about to be put down but I took her home anyway. The pound gave me a discount because they didn't think she would make it. It turned out she only had kennel cough, a severe case but after about a month of medication, feeding her chicken and rice (hard thing for a vegan to cook meat) spraying all of her favorite spots with eucalyptus to help her breathe, she got better. Then when she was about a year old she had her first seizure and it scared me half to death. With the help of the ASPCA I found my favorite vet and she helped me to understand Adelaide's epilepsy and how to control it. Addie has never been completely under control at her best she went three month without a seizure, but she was happy.
Then there were the bladder stones. She had to have surgery and my vet was out of town. I freaked out, called every vet in the phone book begging them to help me, but I did not have the money and they would not even see her. That was the first time I thought I would lose her. I had called my vet's office and inquired (in a most shaky voice) the price of euthanasia and the receptionist Jaqueline said, "We will not let Addie be put down," and she said she would call me back. This was miracle one. She called back and said she had contacted Dr. Lepardo (my vet) and she was cancelling the remainder of her vacation to perform surgery on Addie the very next day. She saved my baby girl's life and I am forever indebted to her. Then there was last year when her medication started to make her sick, it started to poison her liver. She has been on a new medication and has been happy and healthy until this Saturday.
It has been a whirlwind with her, and so many people said they would have put her down years ago, but when I look into her sweet brown eyes, there is no chance in hell I could ever do that. My baby has a heart of gold, I always say this, and I mean it. She is so sweet and gentle. She is my mini cow and I love her with every cell in my body. So please stop for a moment today and put your good thoughts with her. If it worked for the Care Bears, it can most certainly work for us.